• kevin kunundrum

25 New Questions for President Alex Rett (FOTUS)

Updated: Dec 18, 2019

1. How many laws have you broken so far?

That's the wrong question. The question is, how do you weed out the potential whistle-blowers, a.k.a. snitches?

2.  Do you ever strum your umbilical cord as if it’s a guitar?

The umbilical cord is pretty thick, so it's more like a bass. But I mainly imagine using it to strangle Mallory Blitzen.

3.  Are you willing to take a drug test? A lie detector test?

Drugs are for losers. Real men get drunk. And as for lies, as one of my role models, Joseph Stalin said, the bigger the lie, the more people will believe it. So always think bigger!

4.  Why on commercials do they show a Chinese guy, a Mexican, a black girl, and a white dude with two sleeves of tats when everyone knows these folks would never hang out in real life?

In my administration, we believe in diversity. Especially at Walmart, the DMV, and on those smelly city busses that thankfully we on Capitol Hill never have to ride. (We have chauffeur-driven limos. And I got Air Force One!) But "Diversity is our strength!"®️

5.  Describe your platform. I have the best platform. You look at all the Presidents we've had, and there haven't been that many, and some of them weren't very good, but even so, if you look at the best ones, like Washington and Nixon and Reagan and my predecessor, you'll see that I obviously have the best platform of them all by far. No question. It's tremendous. 6.  Have you given out any slick political jobs? I did appoint Mike Tyson as Secretary of Defense, because, well, he's Mike Freakin' Tyson! And he can beat up any other Secretary of Defense, it doesn't matter what country they're from, it's a knockout! Or at the very least, a TKO. 7.  Do you cross-dress? Are you talking about dressing as a priest, like for Halloween? I try to stay away from religion. It makes people even crazier than they normally are. And I got enough on my plate with those impeachment-crazed Leftists. And this past Halloween I went as Justin Trudeau in blackface. 8.  You’re not married. Are you bisexual or gay? I've gone on several dates with a certain blonde bombshell Hollywood movie starlet. (I'm no name-dropper, but she was pretty kinky in the Rick Jamesian sense.) And I'm also kinda interested in Siri. (Yes, she is a real person.) 9.  Describe your interns. Are they pretty but dumb? I did learn one thing from Bill Clinton. No female interns! Mine are smart-yet-disadvantaged minority males, so there! (Because the Liberal-biased media loves that kinda shit. Except for the Feminists, of course. They demand female interns! But then when you have female interns and you get a Lewinsky, they get their granny panties all in a wad and their blue hair stands on end! You can't win with the Feminists!) 10.  Where do you plan to go to college? Thankfully, I managed to sidestep that whole college-education-waste-of-time-BS by being an electable white male fetus. But if I did go to college, it would be at Faber from Animal House. Knowledge is good. 11.  In America, we all do our part. What are you doing to destroy our environment? Climate schmimate! The Earth is a lot hardier than we think. Although I haven't listened to any sixteen-year-old experts of late. I draw the line at High School graduates, as far as Cabinet posts go. And btw, trees love CO2, ya ever think of that? So the more the merrier, unless you're a tree-hater! 12.  What do you think about Mary Jane, I mean marijuana? I'm all for legalizing pot! I have extensive investments in Cheetos, Pringles, and Doritos. 13.  Is Bob Marley the one and only true God? No. Kid Rock is the one and only true God. With Britney Spears as the one and only true Vice-God. 14. Have you read the Bible? Specifically, Genesisdid you know that Peter Gabriel left Genesis? The Bible... I've heard of it, but I'm not into bestsellers. Peter Gabriel? Is he that angel who plays the saxophone? But I do know Genesis. I've been a big fan of Genesis since I heard their 1980 album, Duke (which was about John Wayne). 15.  So how did a fetus like yourself beat out all those grown folk in the Presidential election? The Democrats, how else! They can't even beat a fetus! LOL! Who are they gonna put up next, a mayor? 16.  You made it to the Presidency without so much as a preschool education. Do you have any advice on how to become successful without a college degree? Who needs college! It's amazing what you can learn on YouTube and The History Channel! And there are always great opportunities in the Service Industry! 17.  You want to allow firearms as security measures in public schools. Don’t you think you’re just making it easier for students to get a beautiful, sleek, sexy AR-15 when it’s right there for them to take? Just like a Liberal to ask such a question! Obviously, we start with slingshots and automatic peashooters in Kindergarten. Handguns and knives in Elementary School. Shotguns in Junior High. And the Full Monty in High School—machine guns, flame-throwers, grenades, bazookas, and rocket launchers! 18.  Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren plan on making college free. What can you do for student loan debts? What about free coffee at Dunkin'? I've personally partnered in a joint venture with Visa and Mastercard where they will take care of all student debt! You're welcome. The students will then pay them back. Students are used to whining to their parents about their credit cards, so problem solved! And regarding free coffee, the Soviet Union had free Communist coffee made from turnips, and look where that got 'em! 19.  Old Bernie Sanders was asked if he thought age might interfere with his Presidency. From your experience, what do you think? He's putting the cart before the horse because he's so old that he remembers riding to the one-room schoolhouse with Lincoln in the horse-drawn turnip cart. So my question is this: Do you want someone who once sold turnips as your next President? And also, he was never questioned regarding that whole Lincoln assassination thing. What's he trying to hide? 20.  President Trump’s biggest vice seems to be golf and the courtesy business. What’s yours? My biggest vice I guess is staying up till all hours trying to make America greater for every man, woman, child, and family pet... That and excessive drinking and blackouts. 21.  Who’s your favorite president of any failed company? It's the companies that fail, not the presidents. Some companies are just losers by nature, like any New York sports team and Venezuela. 22.  What’s your favorite pastime, besides whittling? Of course you mean whistling. I could've turned pro, but I got sidetracked by this POTUS thing. I could whistle the theme from Star Trek (the old TV show) like nobody's business! I also watch a lot of TV, but that's to keep up on current events. It's much easier than reading all those memos and briefs they keep sending me all the time. I don't have time for memos and briefs, except regarding underwear. And FYI, I'm for briefs over boxers because with boxers your... Never mind. 23.  Being President only lasts for so long. What’s a good way to spend your retirement? After my eight years are up, I thought I could be President of some other countries! Like the Ryan FitzMagic of world leaders! Except for Venezuela because, well, Venezuela. Or I could be President of the Detroit Pistons (my favorite basketball team) and bring them back to their former glory. But we'd have to get rid of all those wussy rules first. "Make the NBA tough again!" 24.  The world is a scary place. ISIS is on the loose. Rap and Hip-Hop are considered “music”. Men are getting married to other men. What would you do about all that? I think if two gay black male rappers got into ISIS and married each other, then all those problems would instantly disappear. 25. Being a self-aware fetus seems overrated. Ever wish you were born gurgling and dumbfounded like the rest of us? Old Bernie seems to be gurgling and dumbfounded, so I would say no, as being gurgling and dumbfounded is not Presidential. And if you throw in some turnips, then it's a complete disaster! (Look what happened to the Soviet Union!) And aside from oil, Venezuela's largest export is turnips.

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