• kevin kunundrum

24 Questions for President Alexander Jackson Rett (FOTUS)

Updated: Nov 16, 2019

1.  FOTUS seems to be a bit left-leaning. Would it have been better if he were aborted?

Hey, that's moi you're talking about! And left-leaning? Way to pile on the insults! I've been a Nixonian literally before I could walk. I also have dyslexia, so sometimes I get my right and my left mixed up.

2.  Isn’t it a little selfish not wanting to be born? We all have to face the nastiness of life, don’t we?

I have to admit, I gave it the ol' college try to stay inside as long as possible. Wait, was that a spoiler alert? Besides, the "womb-room" was the ultimate bachelor pad, with mood lighting, a glass coffee table, "The Girl From Ipanema" on the sound system, and my personal on-call bartender, Señor Manolo Vargas, on speed-dial.

3.  Who’s the ugliest Democrat you’ve ever seen or heard about?

They are all so unsightly. Why is it that Republicans, on the whole, are so attractive while Democrats are so beastly? But I have a perverse fondness for Mallory Blitzen who resembles an inflamed abscess.

4.  What would you have said if you could have met Elvis?

Firstly, I would not have gone bowling with him, after what happened with Nixon (see Book Two: Buy This Book or You're a Dick). Secondly, I would ask him how many pairs of sunglasses he has. And could he slide me a pair, like those cool silver ones with the holes on the side?

5.  Wouldn’t America be safer if we were all heavily armed?

Duh! Where has all that book-learnin' got us from Kindergarten through High School? That's like... lots o' years! (I hate math.) But imagine if we spent all that time in commando training! We'd be a nation of badasses instead of whiny babies. Like Israel.

6.  How would you eradicate people who don’t agree with you?

A plan is already underway. First, mass surveillance courtesy of Facebook and Google to identify the dissenters. (It's always good to make nice with billionaires!) Then, lobotomies the next time they go to their dentists (since all dentists are Republicans and are jealous of doctors. And you can do whatever you want to someone when they're out cold under laughing gas).

7.  Should there be two Christopher Columbus days, so we can better celebrate this incredible man?

What a great idea! Perhaps you'd like a Cabinet post. And what a laugh, those Columbus haters! This from people who can't go five minutes without checking Facebook or Instagram. Columbus took an entire month to stumble upon land without checking Social Media even once! That is heroic!

8.  How do you plan to deal with the same-sex menace?

Hmm, I'm not quite sure what that is. Let me confer with my advisors. Brb... Okay, we're guessing it's that radioactive 50-foot tall Lesbian who's been terrorizing the Southwest since the last Burning Man. She's just pissed off because she can't get enough blue hair dye. But the Secretary of the Interior is on it, so she should have bright blue hair in time for New Year's Eve!

9.  Bums and hobos deserve their lot in life, don’t they?

It's not the bums and hobos who are the problem, it's the decline of the Railroad Industry (which of course led to the decline of the Coal Industry). We need more trains so the bums and hobos can hang out in boxcars on their way to California, which of course is a shithole.

10.  Speaking of enemies to the American way of life, what’s up with these Socialists and Late-Night talk show hosts?

Not enough spankings when they were kids and not enough bullying on the playground. And I would say not enough sand kicked in their faces at the beach, but they're probably too scrawny to go to the beach. As the saying goes: "Spare the rod and you end up with whiny baby Socialists or Late-Night talk show hosts."

11.  Who is your hero?

Nixon, of course, who was much maligned and misunderstood. He opened up Russia and China! He created the EPA (RIP)! There's an opera written about him! My other heroes: Tom Brady because he's a patriot. And that guy who invented Waffle House.

12.  What is your favorite color? Favorite race, color, or creed?

Favorite color: plaid (I'm inclusive). Favorite race: the Indy 500. Favorite creed: Apollo.

13.  Do you know any tricks? How about dirty ones?

As a politician, I can make any surplus disappear. I also know how to escape if my hands are bound with duct tape. Just in case. As for dirty tricks, I leave them to Tim Chopper, my faithful right-hand man, resident badass, and Equalizer.

14.  Why are all these people wandering around all “offended” about everything all the time?

They're sissies, milksops, milquetoasts, and namby-pambies.

15.  What kind of torture should be brought back from the Dark Ages? You know, for folks we just don’t like?

Let's not badmouth torture! One person's rack is another's visit to the chiropractor. Personally, I think being forced to watch Late-Night talk shows is the worst torture known to man. Wait, that's sexist. It's the worst torture known to man and bitches.

16.  Is your existence a miracle?

It's all an Illusion. It's just that the Great Unwashed don't realize their place in the Illusion. Nor that they should bathe more often.

17.  Tell us about your obvious Christianity. Will you use your power to serve?

Christianity has the best torture! Like crucifixion and the gauntlet of fire and being drawn and quartered then dragged through the city. Oh, and that yanking out the entrails then presenting them to the poor bastard before lighting them on fire thing. That was inspired! Other religions' tortures pale in comparison. 

18.  Do you know what a virgin is? And you plan to remain one, right?

Why would anyone want a virgin who has zero experience sex-wise when they can have someone with tons of experience... like a hooker! Or anyone on Tinder.

19.  We need more prisons, don’t we? Maybe one on each street in this great nation, yes?

I've been thinking of North Dakota. No one ever goes there and why would anyone wanna live there? It just cries out, "Maximum Security Prison!" And then, make Mexico the 51st state and make it a prison as well, so all those drug-dealing rapists can just stay home. Problem solved. But we'll let in the cheap labor of course, because, Capitalism!

20.  Can you stick your elbow in your ear?

Funny you should ask. I can't do that. But I can blow air out from beneath my right eyeball. It's a hit at parties. Although I don't get invited as much as you'd think.

21.  What about opening up our national parks to logging, fracking, and other activities that will Make America Great Again?

You know, my campaign slogan was: Make America Greater! (Which was way better than that other guy's slogan.) But getting back to your question, the bleeding heart Libtards all seem to forget that Old Faithful—that geyser that everybody loves—was actually the result of fracking by Lewis & Clark. Thomas Jefferson was a far-seeing man of vision! Also, the Statue of Liberty is hollow and contains all the nuclear waste from Three Mile Island—which explains why New Yorkers are so impatient and surly and why the Jets always suck.

22.  Will you ever lie to us?

How could I compete with Tricky Dick Nixon? He was the Babe Ruth of mendacity! Besides, I'll leave the lies to The New York Times.

23.  Should hip-hop and rap be banned so our kids can stop being corrupted?

Hip-hop and rap are good because they advocate beating on people, especially bitches and hoes. And as I said above, spare the rod and you end up with whiny baby liberals and socialists.

24.  What about rewriting the Constitution? It’s a little dated, right?

I happen to love the Constitution, especially the Second Amendment because we'll need those guns when the Libtards, Socialists, and Commies try to get rid of the First Amendment. And seriously, if there's a civil war between the Left and the Right, which side has all the guns? Those Lefties ain't the shiniest bullets in the magazine.

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—copyright 2019, 2020, 2021 by Kevin Postupack, Kevin Kunundrum